If you’ve spent any time in gay dating or hookup spaces, you’ve probably been asked the question pretty quickly: Top, bottom, or vers? For a long time, I didn’t know how to answer. And honestly, none of the options felt quite right. That realization didn’t come overnight. It took years of trying to understand myself, a fair amount of confusion, and more than a little frustration.
Most people are familiar with the idea that sex roles fall into neat boxes. Tops penetrate. Bottoms receive. Vers means both. The unspoken assumption is that penetrative sex is the main event, and everything else is just foreplay.
But for me, that assumption never really fit.
The term “side” describes someone who generally isn’t into anal (or vaginal) penetration — giving or receiving — but still very much enjoys sex, intimacy, and connection. That can mean kissing, touching, oral sex, mutual masturbation, grinding, cuddling, and all the other ways bodies can connect without penetration.
When I first learned there was an actual word for this, it was a huge relief. Suddenly, I wasn’t just “bad at sex” or avoiding something I was supposed to want. I just wanted something different.
Not fitting into the top/bottom framework made it surprisingly hard to find my place. Sexual roles act as shorthand in gay spaces — they signal expectations and compatibility right away. When you don’t top or bottom, people often don’t know where to put you, or they assume you’ll eventually “pick a side.”
I tried. I experimented. Sometimes it was fine, sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes stressful. What stood out wasn’t a lack of desire — it was that what everyone treated as the peak of sex didn’t feel like the point to me at all.
What did feel right was everything around it: the slow build, the closeness, the hands, the mouths, the warmth of another body next to mine. For me, the connection has always mattered more than the act itself.
Being a side doesn’t mean hating anal sex, and it doesn’t mean judging people who love it. Most sides I know have a live-and-let-live attitude. Tops can top. Bottoms can bottom. It’s just not what we want most of the time.
It also doesn’t mean being broken, inexperienced, or afraid. Some people are sides for medical reasons, some because of past experiences, and some simply because that’s what feels best. None of those reasons require defending.
Finding other sides — especially later in life — has been a real relief. It showed me that I wasn’t alone, and that there is a tribe out there for people who value intimacy, touch, and connection without needing penetration to make it real.
That’s a big part of why I built this site.
Not to draw lines or tell anyone else how to have sex, but to create space. To offer language, reassurance, and a sense of belonging for people who don’t top or bottom — and who’ve spent too long wondering if that meant something was wrong with them.
It took me a while to understand that nothing was missing. I just hadn’t found my people yet.
And sometimes, standing at someone’s side is exactly where you’re meant to be.