Say what you want
“I’m a side — I’m not into anal, but I’m very into making out, touch, and oral.” Leading with what you like keeps the tone positive.
Questions • Clarity • No shame
FAQ
The top/bottom binary can make people feel boxed in. This FAQ is here to answer the questions people commonly ask about being a side — including the ones that are hard to say out loud.
This is informational (not medical advice). If you have health concerns, talk with a qualified clinician.
Quick definition
A side is a gay/bi man who generally isn’t into anal penetration (neither topping nor bottoming) and prefers other kinds of sex and intimacy.
- Label = communication tool
- Preference ≠ identity test
- Connection-first is valid
General questions
These are the most common “starting point” questions.
What does “side” mean?
In gay/bi men’s dating culture, a side is someone who generally doesn’t want anal penetration — neither giving nor receiving — and prefers other forms of sex (often called “outercourse” in some writing).
The point is not to downgrade anyone’s preferences — it’s to recognize that great sex isn’t limited to the top/bottom script.
Does being a side mean I’m not gay?
No. Your orientation is about who you’re attracted to — not whether you like one particular act. Plenty of gay/bi men love intimacy and sex without centering penetration.
Is “side” the same as “asexual”?
Not necessarily. Many sides have strong sexual desire — they just prefer different activities. Some people may relate to both labels; many won’t.
Is “side” a fixed identity, or can it change?
It can be either. Some men feel “side” describes them consistently. Others see it as “my preference right now.” Labels are optional — use what helps you communicate and drop what doesn’t.
Can a side still date a top or a bottom?
Sometimes, yes — if you’re compatible. Some tops/bottoms are flexible and enjoy non-penetrative sex. Others consider penetration essential. Neither is “wrong”; it’s about fit and honest expectations.
Why does the term matter?
Visibility reduces shame and confusion. The term gained broader recognition when major dating apps started explicitly supporting it, making it easier for people to describe what they want without long explanations.
More direct questions
A little more explicit, because people deserve real answers.
I love to receive oral. Am I a side?
You might be — but oral alone doesn’t define it. A lot of men enjoy receiving oral, including tops, bottoms, and vers guys. “Side” is mainly about not wanting anal penetration and preferring other kinds of sex instead (which can include oral).
A useful self-check: Do you generally feel happiest and most satisfied when sex doesn’t include anal? If yes, “side” may fit.
I love to give oral. Am I a side?
Possibly, but the same rule applies: liking to give oral doesn’t automatically make you a side. If you prefer sex that doesn’t include anal penetration and you’re satisfied with other forms of intimacy, then “side” may describe you well.
I like oral and making out, but I’m “open to anal someday.” Can I still be a side?
Yes. Many people use “side” as “what I prefer” rather than “what I will never do.” If penetration is rare, conditional, or not central to what you want, “side” ca still be a helpful label.
I don’t like anal because it hurts / I get anxious. Does that “count” as being a side?
It can. Some men avoid anal because it’s uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking; others just don’t find it appealing. Either way, you’re allowed to build a sex life around what feels good and safe for you.
If pain or bleeding is part of the picture, it’s also reasonable to talk with a clinician — you don’t have to just “push through.” (And you still don’t owe anyone anal sex.)
Is “side” just another word for “foreplay”?
Not really. For many people, “side” sex is the main event, not a warm-up. The emphasis is on mutual pleasure and connection without centering penetration.
Do sides ever use the terms top/bottom?
Sometimes people still use top/bottom language for oral or other dynamics, but “side” exists because many men don’t want the anal-penetration framework to define them.
Communication & dating
How to talk about it without awkwardness — and without apologizing.
Screen for compatibility
Ask: “Is penetration essential for you?” If yes and it’s not for you, that’s a mismatch — not a failure.
Own your preference
You don’t need a “reason” that satisfies strangers. Clear boundaries + kindness beats over-explaining.
PNW focus
The purpose of pnwsides.com is to bring side guys of the Pacific Northwest together. More community options and content are planned for 2026.
Health & safer sex
Non-penetrative doesn’t mean risk-free. Risks vary by activity. Regular testing and honest communication matter.
STIs can still spread
Oral and skin-to-skin contact can transmit some STIs. Choose protection that fits what you do, and test routinely.
Consent is the point
The best side sex is often the most present and collaborative: check in, go slow, and make room for boundaries.
Sources & definitions
The “side” definition is commonly described as “not into anal penetration; prefers other sexual activities,” and gained broader visibility as apps and media covered it.
Good starting reads
Reference overview
Want a question added here? In 2026, this page will expand with more stories, more nuance, and more PNW-specific resources.