FAQ

In gay/bi men’s dating culture, a side is someone who generally doesn’t want anal penetration — neither giving nor receiving — and prefers other forms of sex (often called “outercourse” in some writing).

The point is not to downgrade anyone’s preferences — it’s to recognize that great sex isn’t limited to the top/bottom script.

No. Your orientation is about who you’re attracted to — not whether you like one particular act. Plenty of gay/bi men love intimacy and sex without centering penetration.

Not necessarily. Many sides have strong sexual desire — they just prefer different activities. Some people may relate to both labels; many won’t.

It can be either. Some men feel “side” describes them consistently. Others see it as “my preference right now.” Labels are optional — use what helps you communicate and drop what doesn’t.

No. That’s a personal opinion, not a medical or cultural fact.

Sexual health experts and LGBTQ+ writers consistently emphasize that intimacy and sex take many forms, and no single act — including anal penetration — is the universal or “ultimate” standard.

Research and commentary show that sex between men often includes a wide range of activities — such as kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage (body-to-body rubbing), and other forms of non-penetrative contact — and that these can be fulfilling and meaningful without involving anal intercourse.

The idea that “real” male sex equals anal intercourse is a cultural stereotype, not a rule of how men experience desire, pleasure, or intimacy. Many gay and bisexual men, including those who identify as sides, deliberately choose non-penetrative activities because that aligns with their bodies and preferences.

What matters most in sexual relationships is consent, mutual enjoyment, and clear communication — not meeting someone else’s definition of what “real” sex means.

Sometimes, yes — if you’re compatible. Some tops/bottoms are flexible and enjoy non-penetrative sex. Others consider penetration essential. Neither is “wrong”; it’s about fit and honest expectations.

No. That’s a different use of the word side, and it’s unrelated.

In gay dating and sexual identity contexts, a side refers to a sexual preference — someone who prefers sex and intimacy without anal penetration, rather than topping or bottoming.

In everyday language, “a side” can sometimes mean a secondary partner or an affair. That meaning has nothing to do with how the term is used here.

On this site, side always means a non-penetrative sexual preference, not infidelity or relationship status.

Visibility reduces shame and confusion. The term gained broader recognition when major dating apps started explicitly supporting it, making it easier for people to describe what they want without long explanations.

The term “side” in the context of gay male sexual preference was first coined in 2013 by Dr. Joe Kort, an American sex therapist, author, and psychotherapist (link to Joe Kort's homepage).

Kort introduced the word in an article to give men who prefer intimacy without anal penetration a positive way to describe themselves, rather than having to explain what they are not (not a top, not a bottom, not versatile). The idea was to help men understand that there are many ways to have sexual and erotic contact that don’t rely on anal intercourse.

After Dr. Kort coined “side” in 2013 and began using it in his writing and community work, the term spread gradually among men exploring sexual preferences outside the top/bottom binary.

Kort also created a private Facebook group called “Side Guys” to give people a forum to connect and find acceptance. Over the following years, the term gained broader acknowledgment in mainstream gay culture. In 2022, major gay dating apps like Grindr and Scruff added “side” as a selectable sexual preference, which helped bring the term into widespread awareness within the community.

Many men don’t fully understand their sexuality until later in life. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship.

Attraction, curiosity, and self-awareness can change over time — especially when people finally allow themselves to be honest internally.

No. Understanding yourself more clearly is not the same as deception.

Many people enter relationships without having language for all of their preferences. Discovering that you’re a side often explains past discomfort rather than creating a new problem.

Yes.

Attraction isn’t defined by one specific act. Many men experience desire for men through touch, closeness, and intimacy without wanting penetration.

No.

You’re allowed to take time to understand what you’re feeling before deciding what — if anything — to share. Clarity usually helps conversations go better than urgency.

Thoughts and fantasies aren’t actions.

Many people experience attractions they never act on. What matters in a relationship is honesty, boundaries, and agreements — not policing every internal feeling.

Gay sex doesn’t refer to one specific act.

It’s a broad term for sexual and intimate activities between men, which can include kissing, touching, oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage (body-to-body rubbing), and sometimes anal penetration — but not always.

Different men enjoy different things, and there is no single script that defines what “counts.”

No.

Anal sex is one possible activity between men, but it is not required and not universal. Many men rarely or never have anal sex and still have satisfying sex lives.

The idea that anal penetration is the defining feature of gay sex comes more from cultural assumptions and pornography than from how people actually experience intimacy.

These terms describe sexual preferences — not sexual orientation.

Top usually means preferring to penetrate. Bottom means preferring to be penetrated. Side means preferring sex without anal penetration.

They’re common because they help set expectations, but they don’t describe the full range of intimacy or how someone connects emotionally.

Yes.

Sex isn’t defined by penetration. Mutual pleasure, arousal, intimacy, and consent are what make something sexual.

Many men experience deep sexual satisfaction through oral sex, hands, bodies, closeness, and touch without involving penetration at all.

Common activities include kissing, making out, oral sex, mutual masturbation, rubbing bodies together, rimming, and sometimes anal penetration.

No one activity is mandatory. What matters is mutual interest, comfort, and communication.

Yes — very normal.

Curiosity doesn’t mean you owe anyone anything. Many people explore ideas mentally long before they explore physically, and many decide certain things aren’t for them.

Uncertainty is a common part of learning what you like.

No.

Some men love it, some tolerate it, and others strongly dislike it. Enjoyment of penetration varies widely and has nothing to do with how gay, bi, or masculine someone is.

That variation is one of the reasons the term side exists.

Absolutely.

Many men find non-penetrative sex more relaxed, intimate, and emotionally connected than penetration-focused encounters.

Satisfaction comes from pleasure and connection — not from checking off a specific act.