Say it plainly
You don’t need a long explanation or a disclaimer. Simple, direct language works best.
Example: “I’m more of a side — I’m not really into anal, but I enjoy a lot of other things.”
Communication • Boundaries • Clarity
How to talk about being a side
Realizing you might be a side can bring relief — and also anxiety. Especially when it comes to saying it out loud to someone else.
Whether you’re meeting someone new or already in a relationship, this page focuses on how to talk about it clearly, honestly, and without apology.
The core idea
Being a side is not a confession, a flaw, or a negotiation tactic. It’s information about how you experience intimacy.
When you’re meeting someone new
Early conversations set expectations. You don’t need to overshare — but avoiding the topic usually creates more tension later.
Avoid framing it as a problem
If you present your preference as something awkward or broken, the other person is more likely to see it that way too.
You’re not asking for permission. You’re sharing how you actually enjoy sex.
Let people opt in or out
Not everyone will be a match — and that’s fine. The goal isn’t to convince someone. It’s to find mutual fit.
Clarity early on saves time and resentment for both people.
When you’re already in a relationship
This can feel harder — especially if penetrative sex was assumed, expected, or tried before you understood your own boundaries.
Name the change honestly
It’s okay to say that your understanding of yourself has evolved. Preferences can become clearer over time.
Example: “I’ve realized that anal doesn’t feel right for me, and I think I’m a side. That doesn’t mean I don’t want intimacy — just a different kind.”
Separate intimacy from roles
Many conflicts come from treating sex as a checklist of roles. Being a side isn’t about withholding — it’s about choosing what feels genuine.
The conversation works best when it focuses on what you *do* want, not only what you don’t.
Expect emotions — not accusations
Your partner may need time to process. That doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
Listening matters — but so does holding your boundary.
Compatibility is not failure
Sometimes two people want different sexual structures. That’s not betrayal, and it’s not moral failure.
Honest conversations reveal reality — they don’t create the problem.
What helps these conversations go better
Clear language
Avoid euphemisms if they confuse the message. “Not into anal” is clearer than vague avoidance.
Calm timing
These talks go better outside the heat of the moment. Choose a time when neither of you is already defensive.
Self-respect
You don’t owe anyone access to your body in order to be “reasonable.” Boundaries are not negotiations.